Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind
by SAmaster01
Summary: Lily is a fan-character, Nora Valkyries adorable younger sister, who arose on the Roosterteth Forums. With some help, I have accumulated all the skits that have been written down, and assembled them here. Please enjoy.
1. The Ice Cream Caper

**Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

But first a brief aside: Lily Valkyrie is a creation that I came up with, along with some help on the Roosterteeth Forum, about the possibility of Nora having a sibling. Monty is apparently a fan of the theory that Nora's part of a crime family, and since she's based on Thor, I thought it would be hilarious if she had a version of Loki as a little sister, who constantly schemes from control, but who's grand schemes to take control were horribly childish, and ineffectual.

And thus Lily Valkyrie was born. I have written several small scripts with the character, and with your help we can overtake the forums under a single banner, and enter her into the OC contest, and win RWBY!

Firstly I would like to thank all the people on the forums who helped me with the idea, specifically Bainbow, who collected them all for me, and stored them in one place. Secondly also my sister who helped inspire ideas, and drew some fanart. Lastly I would like to thank you dear viewer for casting your eyes upon my work.

Without any further ado, here is Lily!

* * *

_The Ice-Cream Caper_

Lily: Here Big Sis! I got you ice-cream!  
Nora: Yay! Is it Strawberry?  
Lily: Yes. (I LIED! It's actually Raspberry Delight! With this shocking revelation Nora will spiral into a dark depression from which there is no return and I shall be left to rule!)  
Nora: Hey! This is tasty! Thanks little sis! I'm gonna give you a hug!  
Lily: I have been foiled! (gets hug) NOOOOOO!

* * *

Lily: My last Ice-Cream related plan failed. My new Ice-Cream related plan will undoubtedly succeed this time. I will have Nora try every flavor of Ice-Cream known to man! That way she's bound to find something she doesn't like, that I can use to exploit her weakness! If not, than she'll be too exhausted from all the Ice-Cream to stop my evil plans! It's Brilliant!  
Nora: Hey Lily! Whatcha doin?  
Lily: Hello Big sis, it appears that this ice-cream man was murdered, and all this ice-cream is going to melt, seems a shame to waste it doesn't it?  
Nora: Wow! You're right! Let's dig in!  
-Later-  
Nora: Hey are you going to pass the Tutti-Frutti?  
Lily: Can't move... ice-cream headache...  
Nora: Okay then, more for me!

* * *

_Hard Work is Never Over_

Lily: Ice-Cream is out. I have since decided to take extreme measures. By taking over my elder sisters weak mind, I can bend her to my will, and get her to do my bidding!  
Nora: Hey Sis, howya doin?  
Lily: Nora! Want to look at this new watch I bought?  
Nora: Okies! Wow that is shiny!  
Lily: Yes! Very shiny! It looks even better when I wave it back and forth see?  
Nora: Uhuh.  
Lily: Back and forth- (later) You will obey me.  
Nora: I will obey you...  
Lily: You will do whatever I say.  
Nora: I will do whatever you say...  
Lily: You will help me achieve my greatest wish. You know what that is, right?  
Nora: Yes...  
Lily: Good!  
(Still Later)  
Nora: ROLLERCOASTER!  
Lily: AAAAAAHHHH!

* * *

Lily: I have clearly underestimated my sister. However I shall persevere! And I already have a new plan! I have found a dangerous demented hound, whom I shall train to keep Nora at bay while I concoct my schemes of treachery! Hound! I shall name you Fluffy. The Terrible.  
Fluffy: Arf! (Training Montage)  
Nora: Hey Lily! Whatcha doing?  
Lily: Fluffy! ATTACK!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Nora: Puppy! Come here! Scratchies!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: Traitor!

* * *

P-Money: Hey Nora, I like your hair, who did it for you?  
Nora: Actually there's a story behind that-  
(Flashback)  
Lily: I have found it! My secret weapon that will assure me ultimate victory! Safety Scissors! With these I can destroy my sister, and get her out of my way!  
(Flashback-Flashback)  
Lily: You have such nice long hair Nora.  
Nora: Don't I?  
(First Flashback.)  
Lily: And now as you sleep Nora, I will lay waste to your precious hair! Muwhahaha! Take that! And that!  
(Later)  
Nora: Lily! Lily! Wake-up! You'll never believe what happened while I was sleeping last night!  
Lily: (My plan is a success!) Whatever happened Nora?  
Nora: I got visited by the Haircut Fairy! I look gorgeous!  
Lily: What? NOOOOO!

* * *

Lily: I've done it! After days of effort I have finally accomplished my master plan... Muhahahah! Fluffy! Fetch my sister!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Nora: Hey Lily, what's up!  
Lily: Behold Nora! I beat your high score on the family arcade machine! What do you think about that?  
Nora: I'm so proud of you! (Glomp)  
Lily: What?  
Nora: I remember when you used to say video games were stupid... ah memories...  
Lily: NOOOOO!

* * *

Lily: Well Fluffy, as once again Nora has thwarted my plans, I blame you by the way, time for the next stage!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: I must now concoct a much more diabolical plan in order to topple her! Let me run some ideas past you.  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: How about this: I'll make her a sandwich, and put poison in it, and she'll have the runs for all eternity!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: Yeah, you're right, Nora loves my sandwiches... okay, how about this, I take my safety scissors to her outfit! The resulting fashion disaster will keep her from ever showing her face in public!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: Oh yeah, I got her that for her birthday... now I have it!  
(Later)  
Nora: Hey Lily! Fluffy came to get me are you okay?  
Lily: Everything is horrible...  
Nora: Want a hug?  
Lily: ... Yes.  
Nora: Hug.


	2. Lily meets the Teams

**Time for another Adventure Of Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

_Lily meets Nora's Team_

Nora: Hey P-Money! Hey! Remember when I told you about my sister?  
P-Money: Yes?  
Nora: Here she is! Tada!  
Lily: Tada.  
P-Money: Nice to meet you Lily. I'm Pyrrha. But people have a hard time spelling that, so they just call me P-Money instead.  
Lily: Nice to meet you.  
Nora: So Lily, what do you think?  
Lily: (I see now your game Nora. You are showing your hand as a means of intimidation! This hulking brute is meant to cow me into submission! Well I can see through you, and I shan't be intimidated by this P-Money! I shall continue to scheme and plot until one day I successfully overthrow you!) She seems nice.

* * *

Nora: I'm sure you'll like my other teammate, his names Jaune Arc. He's really funny. But he's not very good at fighting.  
Lily: Okay then. (I can't wait to see what pathetic fool dares to claim himself leader of a team you belong in. When I find him, I will torment and destroy him, making way for my own path to complete power!)  
Nora: Lily! Shoelaces!  
Lily: What? Waaa! (Falls)  
Jaune: Hey, are you okay there? Here let me help you up. Are you hurt? Should I get something for you?  
Lily: ... (Our children will be both evil and beautiful.)

* * *

Nora: And this is Ren!  
Ren: Hey Lily.  
Lily: Hey Ren.  
Nora: Oh right, you already know each other! Duh!  
P-Money: (Hack, Wheeze, cough)  
Nora: What's that P-Money? Jaunes stuck in a tree?  
P-Money: (cough)  
Nora: There's no time to loose! Let's go.  
Ren: ...  
Lily: ...  
Ren: You still trying to overthrow your sister to become head of your crime family?  
Lily: Yep.  
Ren: Oh. Making any progress?  
Lily: Nope.  
Ren: Oh. Ice-cream?  
Lily: OH SWEET LORD YES!

* * *

_Nora meets Team RWBY_

Nora: And now that you have met everyone on my team, let me introduce you to the rest of my friends!  
Lily: Okay!  
Nora: First let me introduce you to the friendliest member of the team: Weiss.  
Weiss: Hello.  
Lily: Hello.  
Nora: Hello.  
(Awkward Silence)  
Nora: So Imma gonna go check on Ren and that ice-cream. (leaves)  
(Even more awkward silence)  
Weiss: So... you're Nora's sister?  
Lily: Yes.  
Weiss: What's that like?  
Lily: (I have a big sister who does everything right, who I'll never be able to top or measure up to, in a vicious crime family in which I have no use) It's nice.  
Nora: I'm back! With Ice-Cream! Who wants Strawberry?  
Weiss: I guess I will. (Licks ice-cream)  
Lily: Gasp! I wanted the Strawberry.  
Weiss: Sorry I guess.  
Lily: (You will not survive the coming of the next age! I will ascend to power and smash your families hold on this world! Your mansion will crumble, you will be forced into destitution! And when you are old and covered rags begging for scraps in the ashes of your former glory I will be there to stand over, flowing with riches! With a Strawberry Ice-Cream Cone!)  
Weiss: Is your sister okay? She's really quiet, and has a... weird expression on her face?  
Nora: Hm? Oh yeah, she does that from time to time. Here Lily have mine! It's Raspberry Delight!  
Lily: Okay...

* * *

Nora: And after Weiss-  
Lily: (Destroyer of Ice-Cream and dreams, she who will be the first to go-)  
Nora: We have Yang! Yang!  
Yang: Me! Hey Nora who's this?  
Nora: This is my sister Lily! Isn't she cute?  
Yang: Ah, yeah, she is! Do you need a hug little missy?  
Lily: No.  
Yang: That means yes! Come here you! (Glomp)  
Lily: Ah! No! Nora help! The boobies are smothering me!  
Yang: Feel the love... feel it... caress it...

* * *

Nora: I can't believe I forgot to introduce you to Blake here! I am so going out of order here.  
Lily: Nora? Your friends scare me. And I grew up with you. And attempt to overthrow you on a bi-weekly basis.  
Nora: What was that?  
Lily: Nothing!  
Blake: Hi.  
Nora: This is my little sister Lily! Isn't she cute?  
Blake: Meh.  
Nora: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!  
Lily: What?  
Blake: Um Nora?  
Nora: MY SISTER IS THE EPITOME OF ALL THAT IS CUTE. BABY DUCKLINGS LOOK AT HER AND GO DAW! SHE MAKES NOISES WHEN YOU SQUEEZE HER!  
Lily: No I don't! (Nora squeeze) Nya!  
Blake: Okay! Okay! Your sister is cute! Really, really cute!  
Nora: Ah, stop it! Go on.  
Lily and Blake: ...

* * *

Nora: And lastly, we have Ruby! Ruby, this is my little sister Lily!  
Lily: Nice to meet you.  
Ruby: I didn't know you have a little sister Nora. Hey, nice to meet you, I'm Ruby. How old are you?  
Lily: Fifteen.  
Ruby: Really? You look younger.  
Lily: And thusly my enemies will underestimate me, and that shall be their downfall.  
Ruby: What was that?  
Lily: I mean, I like your hair.  
Ruby: Thanks. Anyway, you and I are about the same age.  
Lily: Really? How did you get into the same school as Nora then?  
Ruby: I just impressed the Headmaster I guess. Now I'm in a team with my own sister.  
Lily: Oh yeah the girl with the big...  
Ruby: Gauntlets, I know. But no, it's great, she's really good at what she does.  
Lily: Yeah, mine too. She can be really fun to be around.  
Ruby: Yeah, Yang's really fun to hang out with. And if I ever get in trouble I know she'll be there for me.  
Lily: Nora's the same way. We hang out a lot.  
Ruby: It's kinda hard not to for me and my sister, considering we're on the same team and all. But we're good friends.  
Lily: Big Sister's are great, aren't they.  
Ruby: Yeah.  
Lily: Hey, do you um... ever um...  
Ruby: Yes?  
Lily: (Whispers) Do you ever try to overthrow your sister and try to take their place in society?  
Ruby: ALL THE TIME.


	3. Last Day of the Semester

**Time for another Adventure Of Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

_Last Day of the Semester_

Nora: Hey everyone I'm home!  
Lily: Hey Nora.  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: What happened to you?  
Nora: Oh you mean why am I covered in all kinds of colorful and edible goods?  
Lily: Yes that.  
Nora: I got into a food fight with my friends that quickly escalated into a food war.  
Lily: Did you win?  
Nora: No. But it's okay, cause we had lotsa lots fun! And then we got yelled at by the teachers.  
Lily: Oh. So what are you going to do now?  
Nora: I'mma gonna take a shower and clean some places I haven't cleaned in a LONG time. Byyah!  
Lily: Alright bye! (Nora Leaves) Fluffy! Cancel this weeks plans! Clearly our enemies are moving quicker than we are!  
Fluffy: Arf!

* * *

Junior's Thugs: Ahah! We have you now little girl! Now we can ransom you to the Boss, and you can do nothing to stop us because you're a little girl!  
Lily: Not so! You underestimate, and that shall be your undoing! Behold! (takes out weapon)  
Juniors Thugs: Oh no! She's got a machine gun!  
Lily: (With sadistic glee) RUN! RUN BEFORE THE MIGHT OF LILY! (Sprays her weapon back and forth, thugs get covered in paintballs)  
Juniors Thugs: Huh? Is this some kind of joke? Grab her! (Paintballs begin exploding like a cluster bomb, Lily stands over their ruined forms.)  
Lily: And today was the last day you shall ever underestimate my might!  
(Later)  
Lily: Hey, I'm home!  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Nora: Hey Lily! How was your day?  
Lily: Same as always.

* * *

_Fan Lily Skits_

**Disclaimer:** These ones were not written by me, but by other forumgoers. Thank you guys!

Lily: ...So then I gave her the ice-cream, but she just ate it all!  
Ruby: I know how you feel, I once spiked _my_ sister's meal with the hottest spices I could find, hoping to destroy her from the inside out.  
Lily: So how'd that work out?  
Ruby: She can set herself on fire now, it helps her beat people up.  
Lily: It's hard being the younger sister.  
Ruby: *Sips her milk.* Preachin' to the choir, Lily.

* * *

Lily: Hmm...Ursa. I could kill it or...NORA! HELP! I'M IN A POSSIBLY LIFE THREATENING SITUATION! _If she is wounded defending me then I shall nurse her back to health and then she shall forever be in my debt. She will do what ever I say. _  
Nora: Lily? Lily? Are you okay? I stopped the Ursa from hurting you. Don't worry. Aw...why are you crying? Did it get you?  
Lily: _WHY DO MY PLANS ALWAYS FAIL?!_ *Lily shakes her head no.*  
Nora: Well let's get icecream.  
Fluffy: Arf!  
Lily: Yay


	4. Day of the Sleepover pt 1

**Time for another Adventure of Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

_Killing time (and possibly other things)_

WEISS: Oh, hey, you're Nora's sister, right?  
LILY: (YOU! I have not forgotten you since our last encounter!) Oh, hi there.  
WEISS: Hey, I felt, you know, sorry, or something, for taking your ice-cream last time. So, here you go.  
(Gives Ice-Cream)  
LILY: (In awe) You did that for me?  
WEISS: Well... they were having a sale and... yeah, here you go.  
LILY: (Licks) This isn't strawberry.  
WEISS: They were out. That's bubblegum.  
LILY: Oh.  
(Later, at the Valkyrie Mansion)  
LILY: Shoot! Fudge! Blast it, Jeeze oh man! Dagnabbit,Danggummit,Jiminy Cricket! Gosh Darn It, you hooligan, you yellow-bellied rapscallion, you son of a gun! May I see you soul stripped from your eye-sockets, and returned from whence you came!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: What's that fluffy. Oh, Nora's on the floor. I think she's passed out.

* * *

LILY: Okay, time to check todays checklist as I take a brisk walk through the city. Shake down the local establishments for pocket money: Check. Use money to purchase food for Fluffy: Check. Spread fear of my name throughout the city: Not check. I'll have to get back to that next week to wreak my revenge on those pesky middle-schoolers. Skip merrily down the street as I contemplate my next schemes: Check. Time now to head home.  
(Skips Merrily Down the street.)  
(Bumps into someone)  
LILY: Ow! Who dares block my way as I merrily skip!  
PENNY: Me!  
LILY: Name yourself you unknown assailant!  
PENNY: Oh I'm Penny!  
LILY: Well then Penny, defend yourself from me, for this shall be the last time you and I shall fight on this field of battle.  
Penny: Okay!  
(Awkward Pause)  
Lily: You want to get up first?  
Penny: ... Yes.

* * *

NORA: Yo, sis! Whatcha doin?  
LILY: Sulking.  
NORA: Aw, that's no fun. Lets do something fun instead!  
LILY: No Nora.  
NORA: Aw come on. Come on. comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon  
(Pillow gets thrown at Nora)  
LILY: I need someone to scheme with. To chat with I mean. Bounce ideas off of.  
NORA: What about me!  
LILY: I can't chat with you because of... reasons.  
NORA: What about Fluffy.  
LILY: Fluffy has failed me.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
NORA: Don't you have any other friends to hang out with?  
LILY: I don't have friends, I have enemies, archenemies, nemesis', and that one milkman who refuses to deliver me strawberry milk.  
NORA: I don't know, you seemed pretty friendly with Ruby when I introduced her to you.  
LILY: ...Nora, once again I have underestimated your genius. This sounds like a grand idea! I shall win Ruby Rose over to my side, and together we shall... um, have a tea party.  
NORA: Yay! Tea Party! Am I invited?  
LILY: No.

* * *

_The sleepover... of doom!_

Note: Ruby Rose, you are cordially invited to the Valkyrie residence at the behest of one Lily Valkyrie for a playdate this evening. There will be cookies. Please make sure to attend.  
RUBY: Huh.  
(Ruby enters the Valkyrie residence)  
LILY: I see you have come at last Ruby Rose! Please, make your way into my grand domicile! Quake not, you are my honored guest, and so long as you abide by my rules no harm shall come to you.  
RUBY: Oh hey Lily! What are you doing up there?  
LILY: Trying to look intimidating.  
RUBY: Big house! You live here?  
LILY: Yes.  
RUBY: Swanky! Hey, you said there'd be cookies?  
LILY: I'm trying to be intimidating! Let me be intimidating!  
RUBY: But... cookies...  
LILY: ...they're in my room with tea set.  
RUBY: Yay! Let's go!

* * *

LILY: While you may have come through the front doors unharmed, tread lightly! For few manage to glimpse into my sanctuary and live to tell the tale!  
RUBY: Just let me into your room already, I want cookies!  
LILY: ...only if you vow never to reveal what transpires in the sanctuary under pain of death.  
RUBY: Fine, fine, now cookies!  
LILY: You may now enter!  
(Enters)  
LILY: I hope you appreciate the effort I have gone for todays activity. (Bolts door) I have laid everything out, prepared our entrees, and set the booby traps for those unwise enough to attempt spying upon us. I had Fluffy prepare the cutlery.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
RUBY: Doggie! Scratchies!  
FLUFY: Arf!  
RUBY: Wow, you weren't kidding about the tea set.  
LILY: I never kid about tea. Want to take a pillow seat?  
RUBY: Hecks yeah!

* * *

_Milk Run_

LILY: Please pass the macadamia nut?  
RUBY: Don't mind if I do. (Passes Macadamia nut) So Lily, did you want to talk to me about something?  
LILY: Yes. I have at last reached the end of my prodigious wit. So far Nora's has failed my every attempt to overthrow her and seize her position. More and more I see I need something new to even the playing field. Thusly I hope to recruit you into my army. When the time comes you will be rewarded with a title and position of power at my side. What do you say?  
RUBY: Are there any more cookies?  
LILY: Yes.  
RUBY: Then hecks yeah! What do I gotta do?  
LILY: For now aid me in my scheming. It has come to my attention that you came to blows with my sister, and came out the victor. Tell me your secrets. All of them.  
RUBY: Milk.  
LILY: Milk?  
RUBY: Milk.  
LILY: Milk?  
RUBY: Milk! Milk is our salvation Lily, it is our secret weapon! Milk will give us strong bones, and help us grow from our feeble tiny forms that cause others to look at us and underestimate our might! With enough Milk in our system, anything is possible! Also, these cookies are kinda dry, and I'm pretty thirsty.  
LILY: Ruby, you have convinced me. Together we shall strike out from our fortress, and procure this Milk and all it's wonders!  
RUBY: Hecks yeah!

* * *

LILY: Alright Ruby, we've discussed the plan, chosen our location, and we're committed. Are you ready?  
RUBY: Hecks yeah!  
LILY: Is that your catchphrase or something?  
RUBY: I do it to sound intimidating and street…  
LILY: Anyway, are you ready?  
RUBY: I am! We burst in, our weapons at the ready, covering the exits. We knock out anyone who thinks they're a hero, grab the good, and get out. We follow the escape plan we lined out, splitting off to confuse the fuzz, reach the meet up, and get back to the hideout in time for cookies.  
LILY: You're forgetting that we have to put the masks we knitted on so that nobody can finger us for the crime.  
RUBY: Oh, doi, sorry, I can be a dork sometimes.  
LILY: Now, do you want the one with the smily face stitched in, or the one with the flowery embroidery?  
RUBY: The one with the flower, I have a thing about Roses.  
(Later)  
RUBY: EVERYONE HIT THE GROUND!  
LILY: GIVE US THE MILK, AND NO-ONE GETS HURT!

* * *

RUBY: So that was a good haul.  
LILY: We have procured more than enough milk for my schemes. Now we proceed to the next phase.  
RUBY: Which phase is that?  
LILY: Phase two. Which will be much more fun than phase one ever was.  
(Both bump into person)  
LILY: Who dares bump into me? You have made me spill my hard won dairy!  
RUBY: Lily, it's cool, I have more than enough for the both of us.  
LILY: Face me attacker!  
?: Okay! I will get up to face you!  
RUBY: Gah! Penny!  
LILY: You! Penny-person!  
PENNY: Yes. Hello. It is me. Penny. Hello Friend-Ruby! Hello Achenemy-Lily!  
LILY/RUBY: You know her?  
RUBY: We met while one of my friends was in the middle of a soul-searching identity crisis. She blew up some airships with lasers. Also I'm pretty sure she's a robot.  
LILY: She interrupted my skipping! And for this she must pay. She's a robot?  
RUBY: Like ninety percent sure.  
PENNY: So, Friend-Ruby, Archenemy-Lily, whatcha doing?  
LILY: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! And you shall move on before you encur out combined wrath.  
RUBY: We're having a tea-party. Wanna join?  
LILY: Ruby! Don't reveal my plans and schemes to my archenemies like that! That's totally uncool!  
RUBY: Sorry!  
PENNY: Ab-so-lute-ly. Count me in!  
LILY: NO! No archenemies at my evil-scheming-tea-parties! No!  
PENNY/RUBY: Aww...  
RUBY: But Lily, she's cool. I can vouch for her!  
LILY: Ruby, while our most recent escapade has proven a success, you must bring something more to the discussion in order for me to trust you.  
RUBY: She's like, really impressionable, and a total powerhouse. Also, since i'm pretty sure she's a robot, you can probably like reprogram to do your evil bidding.  
LILY: Is this true?  
PENNY: Yes. Maybe. Which do you want?


	5. Day of the Sleepover pt 2

**Time for another of Adventure Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

But first a brief aside. This chapter features the Soda-King-Magnate, another character invented on the forums. He was spawned when I noticed the 'people-like-grapes' brand soda in the new volume. Soon enough, the idea of the Soda-King-Magnate, a man who's wealth was built upon a carbonated empire, spawned. By the way, he also uses the wealth of his carbonated empire to fund a series of crime-fighting escapades as a masked vigilante, to avenge his dead parents, under the name Vav, aided by his ever-faithful companion, X-Ray. He then publishes these adventures in visual printed format, in order to further fund his crime-fighting campaigns.

I should probably gather those, and publish them here as well. Anyhoo, without any further ado.

_The sleepover of Doom... pt. 2_

RUBY: And so this is Lily's house!  
PENNY: Wow!  
RUBY: And this is Lily's Sister!  
NORA: Hi there!  
PENNY: Sal-u-tations!  
NORA: Am I invited now?  
LILY: No.  
NORA: Aw...  
RUBY: And this is Lily's room!  
PENNY: A-stonishing!  
LILY:  It is a room of evil! Beware!  
RUBY: And this is Lily's dog!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
PENNY: Wowzers! For some reason I am consumed by the urge to pet it!  
LILY: That is Fluffy's secret weapon! He lures you in with his looks and demeanor, and when he has lulled you into a false sense of security, and then he strikes! Just like me.  
PENNY: Do you also roll on your back and expose your belly when people try to pet you?  
LILY: No!  
RUBY: Sometimes!  
FLUFFY: Arf!

* * *

LILY: So now we stand once more in the heart of my domain. Our latest expedition has proven fruitful.  
RUBY: Yeah it has! (nom)  
LILY: But we cannot stop there! We must continue our reign of terror, lest our enemies find weakness in us. Who among us shall propose our next scheme so that we may enact it.  
RUBY: ...  
PENNY: ...  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: Fluffy that is madness!  
PENNY: She speaks to the furry one?  
RUBY: Yeah...  
PENNY: That is weird.  
LILY: Come on compatriots we cannot stop here! Hasn't one of you a plan?  
RUBY: Hey, I'm just happy to have milk for this chocolate chip! (nom)  
PENNY: I'm just happy to be here with my friends and archenemies!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: So is this it? Is this is what I have been reduced to? Tea Parties on a sunday afternoon, without any evil to concoct?  
RUBY: ...  
PENNY: ...  
FLUFFY: ...  
LILY: ...  
RUBY: I know! Let's throw a revolution!  
LILY: What?  
RUBY: A revolution right here, right now! Lets take this place for ourselves, and take out anyone in our way! And we shall crown Lily as our Queen!  
PENNY: Yes! Let us do that!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: You guys... viva la revolution!

* * *

LILY/RUBY/PENNY/FLUFFY: Viva la revolution! Viva la revolution!  
NORA: Hmm... I am beginning to feel concerned. *knocks* Hey Lily! Whatcha doin? I know I'm not invited, but I just wanted to check in on you. Can I come in?  
LILY/RUBY/PENNY/FLUFFY: (Hurried discussion.)  
LILY: Sure big sis!  
NORA: Okies!  
(opens door)  
*Series of gunfire and explosions*  
NORA: Not okies! Not okies!

* * *

_Counterattack_

JAUNE: Hey Nora! We're here for those pancakes you promised over our scrolls.  
P-MONEY: Hello!  
REN: ...  
NORA: Guys! You're here! Just come inside, this way, this way, also I lied about the pancakes, I kinda need a favor.  
P-MONEY: Well that's no problem, after all that's what friends are for. What do you need help with?  
UPSTAIRS: Blood for the Blood God!  
NORA: I think my sister may have had a little too much tea.  
REN: Again?  
UPSTAIRS: Skulls for the Skull Throne!  
JAUNE: Lily right? But she seems so nice.  
REN: That's how she gets you.  
P-MONEY: Don't worry Nora, I'm sure we can settle things down.  
NORA: Thanks guys! Imma let you do that, while I watch from waaaaaaaaaaay over here, kay?  
Time for another of Adventure Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind  
(Jaune, Ren, and P-Money approach Lily's room, out of which can be heard disturbing chants.)  
JAUNE: Who wants to go first?  
(P-Money knocks on the door)  
P-MONEY: Hey Lily, it's me, P-Money. Your sister gave us a call, she says she's concerned about you.  
(Inside, amidst a flurry of conversation)  
LILY: Drats, she has brought her buxom enforcer to deal with me that coward!  
RUBY: Hey P-Money! Just give us a moment we're scheming right now!  
PENNY: So what is our next move Friend-Ruby and Archenemy-Lily?  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: Excellent idea Fluffy lets kill them all!  
RUBY: Um, I kinda need these guys to help me with my homework later, so...  
PENNY: Alright! Let us initiate our plans!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: Well, what do you propose instead?  
RUBY: Well...  
PENNY: Destroy them all!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
(Outside)  
LILY: Okay, we'll come out, come get us.  
(Awkward waiting.)  
REN: Fine.  
(Opens door)  
(Get's obliterated)  
P-MONEY: Ren no!  
JAUNE: You will be missed honored comrade.  
REN: Guys I'm fine. I'm just really... sticky.  
JAUNE: You fiends! You shall pay for this!  
LILY: Revolution!

* * *

NORA: Heya guys! How'd it go?  
P-MONEY: Not good.  
JAUNE: I'm going to be scarred emotionally.  
REN: I'm sticky.  
NORA: Oh.  
JAUNE: Is that all you have to say?  
P-MONEY: We were promised pancakes!  
NORA: Well there is Plan-B  
(Plan-B)  
PAPAVALKYRIE: You will tell me what I want to know. If you don't, well-  
(Snaps Fingers)  
(Leg-breaking intensifies)  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I shall never tell! The secret formula for my soda shall forever remain a secret!  
(Snaps Fingers)  
(Gavin Noises)  
NORA: Hey Dad!  
PV: Nora! My firstborn! How are you doing today?  
NORA: Great Dad! But um, well Lily's kinda holed herself in her room with her friends and Fluffy, and I'm beginning to get worried.  
PV: Has she threatened to usurp my position of power?  
NORA: No, but she is talking about throwing a revolution.  
PV: Oh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Just kids being kids. Hey, Nora, is that your team? Pleasure to meet all of you! Nora tells me so much about her schoolfriends.  
JAUNE: I'm scared. P-Money hold me.  
P-MONEY: Okay.  
PV: And Ren, my future son-in-law! How are you feeling today?  
REN: Sticky.  
PV: Good, good. We'll then kids, if don't mind, I have some work to finish. Go along and play.  
(Snaps fingers)  
(Gavin Noises)  
P-MONEY: So much for Plan-B.  
REN: I don't understand why your father refuses to accept I'm gay. I understand why my father refuses to accept it, but I don't understand why your father does it.  
JAUNE: You're gay?  
REN: Dude, I have, like, the biggest crush on you.  
JAUNE: You do?  
REN: You're like the X-Ray to my Vav.  
NORA: Dude! Not cool! MogarxVav OTP!  
JAUNE: I guess I just don't notice these kinds of things. Thanks. No homo.  
P-MONEY: You're telling me.  
NORA: Okay, in that case, time for Plan-C!

* * *

P-MONEY: Plan-C is pancakes?  
NORA: Panckakes solve everything! Hurry up Ren!  
JAUNE: Yeah, but don't you think we should do something about Lily?  
NORA: EVERYTHING.  
P-MONEY: Is that the plan? Starve her out, and tempt her with food?  
NORA: Nah, she has, like a years supply of candy up there. She's been known to hold up there for months.  
(Meanwhile)  
RUBY: Wow Lily, where did you get all this candy?  
LILY: I am one ruthless Trick-or-Treater.

* * *

JAUNE: Plan-C has failed. Now what?  
REN: Jee thanks.  
NORA: Plan-D!  
(Plan-D)  
NORA: Lily! Enough is enough! If you don't come out we'll be forced to come in!  
LILY: Do your worst!  
NORA: Charge!  
(Charge)  
LILY: Engage countermeasures!  
(Opens Door)  
(Gets obliterated)  
NORA: Run away!  
(Runs away)  
JAUNE: Guys! Guys! Wait up for me! Wait!  
LILY: Capture the cute one! He shall be mine!  
JAUNE: Nooooooooo!

* * *

JAUNE: (tied to a chair) Okay, you have me captured, now what?  
PENNY: We behead you, and mount it outside our fortifications as a message to our enemies. Right Archenmey Lily?  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
RUBY: Lily, are you okay?  
LILY: (whispers) Ruby, help! I don't know what to do!  
RUBY: Well, I think typically in this situation we'd ransom him, but I'm not sure how much Jaune would go for.  
LILY: (whispers) No! Don't get rid of him! We keep him! I just... don't... know how to talk to him.  
RUBY: Talking to Jaune? It's easy! Watch. Hey Jaune.  
JAUNE: Hey Ruby.  
RUBY: See easy.  
JAUNE: Hey, Ruby, who's this girl who's talking about having me dismembered? She's starting to creep me out. Do something.  
RUBY: In a minute Jaune.  
LILY: (whispers) You don't understand Ruby! Normally I am the mistress of evil, capable of untold acts of villainy. I know I exude an aura of dominance and control, but... you know... Jaune's... cute.  
RUBY: Yeah I've noticed. Don't worry Lily! For my friend I'll totally ship you with your man/woman/sexbot of choice!  
LILY: (whispers) Thank you Ruby. You are a good henchman.  
RUBY: Aren't I? (drags Lily to Jaune) Jaune! We have come to make our demands! Your highness!  
LILY: (mumbles)  
RUBY: Come on Lily, you've met Jaune before, right? Just talk about what you did last-time.  
LILY: (whispers) I didn't. I just stared while thinking about what a cute couple we'd look like when I take over the world, and destroy all my enemies.  
RUBY: Hmm... try complementing him on something.  
LILY: I um... liked your plan to defeat my reign of terror.  
JAUNE: Actually, that was Nora's idea.  
LILY: Muhahahah! Such a pathetic idea, doomed to fail! How could such a feeble attempt on my majesty ever be expected to succeed!  
JAUNE: ... I helped...  
LILY: I mean!  
RUBY: You know, if this doesn't work, we could always go to Plan-B. Plan-B is me locking you two in the closet, and playing mood music, by the way.  
PENNY: Can I help?  
RUBY: Of course you can Penny!

* * *

NORA: Well, Jaunes plan has failed.  
P-MONEY: Jaune only had limited insight on the plan, Nora, you should really-  
NORA: I say we give up.  
P-MONEY: Nora! You called us in for pancakes and when we arrived, there you brought us in on this crusade against you crazy sister, and there were no pancakes!  
NORA: I made pancakes!  
P-MONEY: Ren made pancakes!  
REN: Thank you.  
NORA: And because of your sister, Jaune is up there, going through who knows what!  
(upstairs)  
JAUNE: And with my Nevermore Strike, I wipe out your defending regiment.  
RUBY: Jaune no! Please, we can negotiate! Leave my people in peace I beg you!  
JAUNE: Do you have anything to offer?  
RUBY: (puppy dog eyes)  
JAUNE: Not good enough. I invade, and take control of your entire kingdom.  
RUBY: NOOOOOOOO!  
LILY: Beautiful and ruthless...  
PENNY: Is it my turn yet?  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
(downstairs)  
P-MONEY: So the least you can do to make-up for all the pain and suffering he must be doing, is try to take this seriously, and come up with a better plan.  
NORA: Fine! Fine! Plan-E then, call for backup!


	6. Day of the sleepover pt 3

**Time for another of Adventure Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

_Backup-backup._

(Knock-knock-knock)!  
NORA: Now whoever could that be?  
YANG: It's me!  
BLAKE: Hey.  
WEISS: Peasants.  
YANG: We were told there'd be pancakes!  
NORA: Yeah, about that...  
JAUNEFROMUPSTAIRS: Guys! Help me! They're beginning to braid my hair and put flowers in it!  
NORA: You see, I may have perhaps misled you about that…  
JAUNEFROMUPSTAIRS: My masculinity is at stake here! Help!  
BLAKE/YANG: ...  
WEISS: This is why I actively avoid consorting with you people.

* * *

YANG: In here?  
NORA: Yes, you can tell it's Lily's because it has her name posted on it in a frame a skulls and dandelions.  
YANG: Hear that Jauney-Boy? We're coming to rescue you!  
JAUNE: Guys! Be careful! Thery're in sugar induced blood lust!  
YANG: Charge!  
(Gets obliterated)  
YANG: Stop charging! Start Running away!  
P-MONEY: So, how did it go?  
BLAKE: What is this? It's... sticky...  
REN: I know, right?  
P-MONEY: How is Jaune? Is he okay? He has such a delicate constitution...  
WEISS: Oh he's fine.  
P-MONEY: Really?  
WEISS: Yeah. Aside from having girly ribbons in his hair. And being strapped to a chair. And I swear that sister of Nora's was making weird googly eyes at him.  
NORA: So... Plan-F?  
P-MONEY: (With Fire in her Eyes) Plan-F!

* * *

PAPAVALKYRIE: So glad we could work out an agreement with a minimum of fuss Mr. Soda-King-Magnate.  
SKM: Me too Mr. Valkyrie.  
PV: Who would have known that the secret ingredient to your vastly popular chain of carbonated beverages was grapes!  
SKM: Certainly not me, that's for sure. You will be keeping this a secret, right?  
PV: Of course, of course dear man, no need to worry about that.  
SKM: Just be careful, there are many scoundrels who would wish to pry such after such as that. Why, I heard that costumed vigilante Vav, and his ever faithful companion X-Ray, has been on the prowl in this very city.  
PV: I thought Vav was X-Ray's sidekick.  
SKM: No it's the other way around.  
PV: Are you sure?  
SKM: Yes. Yes. Very Sure.  
PV: Don't you worry your overly large nose about this dear friend, why that lunatic couldn't possibly guess that an exhorbinantly wealthy family man such as myself would be the head of a massive crime empire. Such a notion is ludicrous.  
SKM: But Mr. Valkyrie, you are the head of a massive crime empire.  
PV: See, coming out of you it sounds like the drivel of an idiot with a fancy foreign accent. Ah Nora, my Firstborn and favorite child! I see you have gathered your compatriots around you! Good, what are you planning today?  
NORA: Hey Daddy! Well, see, Lily has so far foiled every single one of my plans up to Plan E, so now we're working on Plan F.  
P-MONEY: (with fire in her eyes) Plan F!  
PV: Is that so? What has my second born, my second favorite child been doing up until this point?  
NORA: Well, she has Ruby, Jaune, and this new girl Penny, who may or may not be a robot up there. Penny that is. Ruby and Jaune are the leaders of our team. And Fluffy. And she has like, her entire life-times supply of candy from last Halloween.  
PV: Ah kids. Good of her taking out the leaders of her opposition, she's taking after her old man there. What have you got so far then Firstborn?  
NORA: All attempts at a direct assault have failed, so... (gets diagram done in crayon) we were thinking of forcing her out by using bait made out of a combination of chocolate bars, maple-syrup, bunnies, giant doomsday robots, and rainbows.  
PV: Excellent plan heir to my empire! Well then, carry on, I must have business to attend to.  
NORA: Okies! P-Money! Yang! I want the Giant Death Robot in the middle, between the chocolate and the rainbows!  
PV: Ah kids. Well then Soda King Magnate, I bid you farewell, I hope to do business again with you one day.  
SKM: (gulp)

* * *

LILY: Lieutenant Ruby! What do you see through my peephole of evil?  
RUBY: It appears to be an amalgam of a Giant Death Robot, covered in rainbows and bunnies and chocolates my Queen!  
LILY: It is? Council of evil, what do we do with this new information?  
JAUNE: How did they get a Giant Death Robot?  
RUBY: Oh, it's not that hard actually.  
PENNY: She's probably a new friend! Let's invite her in for milk and cookies!  
RUBY: No! Wait! It's probably a trap! Maybe!  
LILY: Come on! It has rainbow, AND bunnies!  
JAUNE: I think I also see Chocolate and Maple-syrup there.  
LILY: Maple and chocolate-syrup! Also, Minion! Restrain the prisoner!  
PENNY: Okie-Dokie! Also, I think that she comes with a missile barrage, and a last canon!  
LILY: Laser-barrages and missile-canons Lieutenant!  
RUBY: I'm beginning to think you may have had too much candy. Why don't you sit down, and have some more milk?  
LILY: Well fine, you are my advisor, so I shall let you advise me.  
JAUNE: For the record, I think you should do it.  
LILY: Silence Corporal Studmuffin!  
RUBY: Yeah! Silence!  
LILY: Hmm, it seems my council is in deadlock. What say you General Fluffy?  
FLUFFY: Arf!

* * *

(Presently Team NPR and WBY are camped at the far end of the hallway in a makeshift pillow-fort, with a set of binoculars, keeping an eye on the Giant Death Robot.)  
NORA: Come on... take the bait...  
BLAKE: Are we really sure this plan will work? Because it seems to me that plans A through E have failed up to this point. And the trap seems really obvious to me.  
NORA: Don't worry, this is my little sister we're talking about. I know her like the back of my hand. I know the ins and outs of her mind. If it's one thing that can be trusted on, it's my in depth knowledge of my sister's wants and desires.  
(Awkward Silence)  
YANG: That sound right to you?  
REN: Not in the slightest.  
NORA: Silence my plan is working!  
(Lily cautiously opens her door, alongside Penny and Ruby, weapons drawn. Fluffly has been left to guard Corporal Studmuffin. As soon as Lily approaches the Giant Death Robot, it springs to life, launching nets on her pinning her down.)  
LILY: Darn you General Fluffy! Your council has led me astray!  
FUFFY: Arf!  
GDR: **ATTENTION SUBJECT: LILY VALKYRIE. YOU ARE ORDERED TO STAND DOWN. YOU SHALL NOW BE SUBDUED AND DETAINED. PREPARE YOURSELF IN THE PROPER SUBMISSION POSITION.  
**NORA: Our plan has worked! High five guys!  
LILY: Sister! You may have foiled me for now, but this is but a temporary victory! Be assured I shall have swift revenge at the nearest of opportunities!  
PENNY: Hey there giant robot! What's your name?  
GDR: **ATTENTION UNIDENTIFIED SUBJECT: YOU MUST ASSUME THE PROPER SUBMISSION POSITION, OR BE FORCEFULLY AND PAINFULLY SUBDUED. UNIT DESIGNATION: FRK-15 V2.  
**PENNY: Imma call you Freckles!  
RUBY: Penny please don't antagonize the Giant Death Robot.  
PENNY: Don't worry Friend-Ruby, she's friendly! Watch. Unit FRK-15 V2, override last order.  
GDR: **NECESSARY AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED.  
**PENNY: Authorization code: Omega-Blue-5.  
GDR: **OVERRIDE COMMAND ACCEPTED.  
**(Nets retract)  
RUBY: How do you know how to do that?  
PENNY: Um... reasons? (Hic)  
LILY: Can we control it now?  
PENNY: Freckles is a girl Archenemy-Lily.  
LILY: Can we control... her now?  
PENNY: Why don't we ask her?  
WEISS: I'm beginning to think that maybe Plan-F wasn't the way to go.  
LILY: Um... Freckles. Destroy my enemies. (Points)  
GDR: **COMMAND ACCEPTED. DISPENSING JUSTICE.  
**NORA: Running time!  
(Gets obliterated)


	7. Day of the Sleepover pt 4

**Time for another adventure of Lily Valkyrie, Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind**

But first, quick recap! Remember the Soda-King-Magnate? I've decided to include the skits done for him here in this chapter! And he'll likely appear again in the future. Accompanied by his Companion, El-Pizza-Bandido! Of Just Blaze Pizza! (he's basically Ray). Anyway, if this is starting to get confusing please say so in the reviews so I can clear it up in the future. Also the Forums were unanimous, P-Money is here to stay.

Without further ado:

_Reign of Terror._

LILY: Corporal Studmuffin! You have led us to assured victory!  
JAUNE: I have?  
LILY: As a reward, you shall have Lieutenant Ruby's Milk Rations!  
RUBY: But I worked hard to steal that milk!  
LILY: Hush minion!  
PENNY: Hello Jaune-person, meet our newest friend! Her name is Freckles!  
FRECKLES: **UNIT DESIGNATION: FRK-15 V2. ACCEPTED MONIKER - FRECKLES  
**JAUNE: Oh boy.  
LILY: And with Freckles aid in our army of evil, we shall conquer all! And so begins Phase 3!  
PENNY: Gasp!  
JAUNE: Does this mean there was a phase one and I missed it?  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: Yes my minions! For you see, it is clearly not enough for us to simply stay holed up in our impenetrable fortress! We must expand our dominion, bring it under my fold! For phase 3 myself and my great council, who has led me to many great victories, shall devise a plan that shall expand our grasp, and drive out the enemies at our door! What say you!  
RUBY: Yeah!  
PENNY: What she said!  
FRECKLES: **POSITIVE AFFIRMATION: RECEIVING NEW MISSION DESIGNATION  
**JAUNE: I am never leaving this place.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
(meanwhile)  
BLAKE: Plan-F has failed.  
REN: Tell me something we don't know  
YANG: Weiss has a sister.  
NORA: Do you two have wacky shenanigans like we do?  
WEISS: Heh, please.  
BLAKE: What now?  
NORA: Well, I'm not too sure. I was like, so confidant that Plan-F would work, but now Lily has that Giant Death Robot I borrowed from Daddy's private collection, on top of all her cookies, and candy, and milk, and both our team leaders under her sway, and that girl who shoots lasers, I mean, how can she even do that?  
YANG: She's probably a robot or something.  
NORA: Oh come on, that's silly. Anyway, it last Tuesday was any indicator, we only have a few minutes to set up before she storms out of her room in a sugar-induced-bloodrage, destroying all that is good and holy. In that case, I'll have to set up our emergency failsafe plan.  
WEISS: What's that?  
NORA: Plan-G.

* * *

(gets diagram made of crayon)  
NORA: See Plan-G is a bit of a last resort I concocted a while back. It was during a Conversation with Lily by the way. I had Razzberry Delight. It was delicious. Anyway, basically encase the house with dynamite. Like all of it. And then we blow it up. Blow it all up. Kay?  
REN: ...  
YANG: ...  
BLAKE: ...  
WEISS: ...  
P-MONEY: (with fire in her eyes) Plan-G!  
NORA: Yeah! Okay, so I'm going to need you guys to go get the highly volatile explosives, and dump them all over the place while I supervise.  
WEISS: I'm beginning to see why Prof. Ozpin put someone like Jaune in charge.  
P-MONEY: (with fire in her eyes) Plan-G!  
BLAKE: Um, P-Money? Not to tell you how to do your thing, but aren't you supposed to be the reasonable level-headed straight man of your group.  
P-MONEY: (with fire in her eyes) Blake! (grabs her and stares intently) I have spent too long polishing that Diamond in the Rough to risk him being stolen away by some girly underaged tramp with a napoleon complex! No offense Nora.  
NORA: None taken! Ren! Put your back into it! Lift with your back, not your legs! And stop breathing! Don't you know that under stress the body produces all the breathing stuff it needs on it's own?  
P-MONEY: (with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns) At this point I'll try anything in order to get that handsome useless heterosexual back within my arms, and away from crazy psychotic woman! Again, no offense Nora.  
NORA: None taken.

* * *

LILY: Comrades now is the time of attack! Are you ready!?  
RUBY: Aye!  
PENNY: What she said!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
FRECKLES: **POSITIVE AFFIRMATION  
**LILY: Let us surge forth and take what is ours!  
(surges forth)  
NORA: Stop right there!  
(team NPR and WBY are currently behind their pillow-fort)  
LILY: Sister! I see that you have appeared to oppose me, rather than to step aside and let me take my rightful position as Queen! What say you!  
YANG: Ruby! Come home already! It's late, and we gots homework to do!  
RUBY: Never!  
WEISS: Remind me why we're here?  
LILY: You're appeals to morality and authority are useless! All shall be swept aside by my rule!  
NORA: Lily! I have to warn you! If you don't calm down, and release the leaders of our teams, we shall be forced to use Plan-G!  
P-MONEY: (with fire in her eyes) Plan-G!  
LILY: No! Not Plan-G!  
RUBY: What's Plan-G?  
PENNY: What Friend-Ruby said.  
LILY: A while back, I may have proposed to my sister a scheme in which I blackmail my position into power by replacing the foundation of the city with TNT.  
(awkward silence)  
RUBY: How did that conversation go?  
(flashback)  
LILY: (licking a strawberry ice-cream cone) Burn. Burn it all. Burn...  
NORA: You say something?  
(end-flashback)  
(awkward silence)  
PENNY: Does this mean the tea party/revolution is over?  
RUBY: We can't end here your highness! We were just about to abolish bed-times forever!  
LILY: Minions you have served me well. But once again I have underestimated the brutal cunning of my elder sister, using one of my own schemes against me. The revolution shall live on, but our day is done. She holds the upper hand. The best we can hope for is to submit with our heads held high, the same we would expect of our own enemies. Let us go now my minions! A band of sisters until the end. I shall remember you each until the end of days.  
RUBY: (with teary eyes) Lily... you're so cool...  
PENNY: Archenemy-Lily... I am feeling... emotion...  
FRECKLES: **DETECTING DANGEROUS EXPLOSIVE IMPLEMENTATIONS. DISABLING DETONATION DEVICE.  
**(detonator gets shot out of Nora's hand.)  
P-MONEY: (fire extinguished from her eyes) No! Not Plan-G!  
RUBY: Way to go Freckles!  
REN: We're doomed.  
LILY: On the other hand... Attack my minions!  
NORA: Run away!  
P-MONEY: Guys help! Don't leave me!  
LILY: Go! Capture her bovine commander! Another hostage for us to leverage against them!  
P-MONEY: Guys...

* * *

_The Adventures of the Soda-King-Magnate, and El-Pizza-Bandido!_

SODAKINGMAGNATE: I have decided old friend. Using the vast wealth left to me by my deceased parents, I shall use it to secure a better and brighter future for all! And I shall do it by dressing in tights, and beating up criminals in the night. And you will fight by my side old friend.  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: That's a bad idea. That is a horrible horrible idea.  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I built the entirety of my Carbonated Empire from a single bad idea!  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Yeah, but to be fair, people like grapes.  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: That they do. That they do.

* * *

SODAKINGMAGNATE: I will also print my adventures in visual format to further fund my escapades.  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: But you're already super-freaking rich! Your the king-magnate of soda!  
SKM: Yes, but while people like grapes, I must insure that my hero-ing funds come from separate sources to insure nobody from within becomes suspicious, and discovers my secret identity.  
EPB: Well won't people learn your secret identity from the comic books?  
SKM: Printed adventures in visual format.  
EPB: Printed adventures in visual format.  
SKM: Who would be crazy enough to assume that I, the Soda-King-Magnate, would take on the identity of a masked crime fighter? That would be utterly preposterous.  
EPB: I would. If someone told me you were doing this, I'd believe them in a second.  
SKM: Yes. But you KNOW me.  
EPB: Hmm... you make a good point.

* * *

VAV: Stop right there Criminal Scum!  
CATBURGLER: Drats I have been foiled!  
VAV: Yes you have, by the likes of-  
X-RAY: X-Ray!  
VAV: And Vav! Now that we have apprehended you, we shall- wait a minute, are you a Cat-Faunus?  
CB:Well yes, but I don't see what the has to do with anything.  
VAV: And you're a Cat Burgler.  
CB: Yeah, well it's a living.  
VAV: We can't use this! Do you have any idea how incredibly offensive you are?  
CB: Excuse me?  
VAV: You're a Faunus who is clearly using their Faunus powers to indulge in acts of petty theft.  
CB: I'm not sure I would count a four block high tower of gold on a base of obsidian to be petty. In fact I would even call it pimpin'.  
X-RAY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Censor-time!  
CB: What?  
VAV: Ours is a family friendly series of adventures printed in visual format. Not only are you a Faunus who is committing crime, a Cat Faunus who is Cat Burglar, I mean, talk about stereotyping, but you're foul-mouthed at that.  
X-RAY: Hey, at least she ain't a Duck Faunus. Get it? Foul-Mouthed?  
CB: I get it.  
SKM: And we'll totally have to change your gender.  
CB: What? Come on? I am one sexy lady. Not to mention I'm already in this skintight catsuit.  
X-RAY: There she goes again! Are you just trying to be as offensive as possible?  
SKM: We have a large demographic of female readers in our adventures printed in visual format. About fifty percent even. That's almost half. Of that demographic most of them read for our dashing good looks, and homoerotic tones.  
X-RAY: Yeah, you should check out those chicks who ship this idiot with Mogar. Scary stuff dude.

* * *

(Later)  
VAV: Stop right there criminal scum!  
LILY: Oh no! Someone has spotted me in the midst of my evil crimes!  
VAV: Indeed, how dare you steal that kitten! Good thing I was here to stop you!  
LILY: (Unloads with her exploding paintball-tommy-gun)  
VAV: (Gavin noises) X-Ray! Protect me! (More Gavin noises)  
(Presently)  
NORA: Lily! Someone at the door for you!  
LILY: Yes?  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: It is I! The Soda King Magnate! Hello adorable little girl. I was hoping to get your permission to use your likeness for a series of adventures I hope to print in visual format.  
LILY: Nora! It's that stranger who tried to attack me last night!  
NORA: NORA SMASH!  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: (Even more Gavin Noises)


	8. Day of the Sleepover pt 5

**Time for another adventure of Lily Valkyrie: Remnant's Most Adorable Criminal Mastermind!**

_Reign of Terror pt. 2_

JAUNE: Oh hey there P-Money.  
P-MONEY: Hello again!  
JAUNE: They got you too?  
P-MONEY: Yep.  
JAUNE: So what was that last plan all about? I was stuck here being watched by General Fluffy.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
P-MONEY: Aw! Doggie! I want to scratch it, but I'm currently bound in rope.  
JAUNE: So the plan?  
P-MONEY: Oh you mean Plan-G? Yeah, that was a complete failure. We encased the foundation of the mansion in TNT and tried to extort your release, along with the ending of the tea party. It didn't work.  
JAUNE: I should hope not! I don't know if you realized this, but I'm in here! I kinda like not getting blown up!  
P-MONEY: Yeah... Nora was weirdly into that plan. I tried to act as the voice of reason, but she wasn't really listening.  
JAUNE: Of course you did. That's your thing.  
P-MONEY: So um... what do we do now? Locked in this closet... alone... together...  
(meanwhile)  
LILY: Attack! Attack! Attack my minions! Lay waste to all in your path!  
FRECKLES: **EXECUTING COMMAND. TERMINATING HOSTILES.  
**NORA: Run away!  
WEISS: All is lost! All is lost! Woe is me! The end is nigh!  
RUBY: Queen Lily! I have successfully imprisoned P-Money in the Closet of no Return alongside General Fluffy and Corporal Studmuffin!  
LILY: Excellent work Lieutenant Ruby! Now we shall- wait. The Closet of no Return?  
RUBY: Yep.  
LILY: The very dark and intimate Closet of no Return?  
RUBY: Yep.  
LILY: Alone? Together alone?  
RUBY: Hecks yeah!  
LILY: Ruby! You incompetent fool! How could you! Locked in a dark confined space with that, that, that buxom witch and her feminine wiles, Corporal Studmuffin won't stand a chance! How could you Lieutenant Ruby?  
RUBY: I'm sorry Lily! My inner shipper took a hold of me!  
LILY: Retreat! Full retreat!  
PENNY: Aw... are you sure? Freckles and I are having so much fun!  
FRECKLES: **ALL HOSTILES SHALL BE ELIMINATED. NO EXCEPTIONS.  
**LILY: I said retreat! There is a crisis on the home front that must be resolved thanks to Lieutenant Ruby's incompetence! Corporal Studmuffin is in danger!  
(meanwhile in the Closet-of-no-Return)  
JAUNE: And now my Vacuo Soldiers overwhelm your White Knight Regiment.  
P-MONEY: No! Jaune! We had a truce!  
JAUNE: Sorry. Had to be done. I need direct control of all your land in order to have stop Fluffy's reign of terror.  
FLUFFY: Arf!

* * *

LILY: So now that we have successfully rescued Corporal Studmuffin from the feminine wiles of my sisters enforcer-  
(meanwhile in the Shoe-Closet-of-no-Return)  
P-MONEY: I don't know Fluffy. There's just something about that idiotic heterosexual man that sets my womanlihood ablaze with passion. I'm forever caught between trying to chase him, and trying to let go, and I can't decide which path I should follow, knowing that my indecision is my own downfall.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
(meanwhile)  
JAUNE: I wonder who I should ask to the dance. I wonder what day the dance is going to be on. I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of here alive and with my masculinity intact.  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: We can now continue our reign of terror unimpeded! For glory! And Ice-Cream!  
PENNY: Huzzah!  
RUBY: All shall fall beneath us!  
FRECKLES: **AFFIRMATIVE.  
**(meanwhile at pillow fort #2)  
BLAKE: So... Plan H?  
NORA: I'm working on it, I'm working on it.  
YANG: You have no idea what you're doing, do you.  
NORA: I have like, twelve-percent of an idea.  
WEISS: That's horrible.  
REN: It's better than eleven-percent of a idea.  
BLAKE: No it's not. At all.  
(Lily, Ruby, Penny, and Freckles burst into the scene)  
LILY: Sister! It is finally time for me to overthrow you, and take your place in our crime family!  
YANG: You have a crime family?  
NORA: What? No! That's silly talk. Lily is just in a high induced by sugar, the conquest of her enemies, and not being in bed for her bed-time. She's bound to say all kinds of silly stuff. You should ignore her.  
WEISS: Would explain how we managed to find that Giant Death Robot as bait that they are currently using against us.  
YANG: Boy, did that plan backfire.  
LILY: Silence you fools! You shall all bow down before us, as there is nothing that can save you from out might! Nothing!  
(then suddenly a pair of masked vigilantes burst through the front doors standing tall and proud)  
VAV: Halt evildoers! For there is nothing that can stand against the combined justice of-  
X-RAY: X-Ray!  
VAV: And Vav!  
(awkward silence)  
X-RAY: Are you sure this is the right house?  
VAV: Of course I'm sure this is the stupid house, you stupid donut!  
X-RAY: Yeah, but you said that it was the house owned by the head of a crime family. All I see is a bunch of little girls.  
VAV: Well, they're probably his, like his little mins.  
X-RAY: His little mins. (facepalms)  
YANG: Is this Plan-H?  
NORA: Yeah, sure, let's go with that.  
VAV: Anyway, all you little Mins, put down your weapons, or face the combined justice of- of- come on boy, do it.  
X-RAY: I'm not doing it.  
VAV: Oh come on now, you have to.  
X-RAY: No I don't.  
VAV: Yes you do! It's in your contract! Now go on, do it!  
X-RAY: For a guy with super-vision, I need to learn how to read the find print. Fine. X-Ray.  
VAV: And Vav!  
LILY: Minions, destroy them!  
(screaming and Gavin Noises)  
(gets obliterated)  
WEISS: Well Plan-H was a failure.  
BLAKE: Big surprise.

* * *

VAV: And thats when the little mins attacked us officer.  
BURNIECOP: You and yer partner over 'ere were overpowered by a crew of young teenaged girls?  
X-RAY: They had like guns and lasers and explosions! And a Giant Death Robot! How did they even get one of those?  
JOELCOP: Military hardware such as the Paladin Mechanized Infantry are notorious for their availability in the criminal underworld.  
BURNIECOP: So how do you wanna handle this? We got two beaten-up crime fighters, one illegally operated Paladin, possibly rogue, the mansion belonging to notorious Kingpin of Crime, Mr. Valkyrie, and several young children up way past their bed-times. How should we call this?  
JOELCOP: Maybe we should just call in the Chief. Make this his problem.  
BURNIECOP: I'm all for getting other people to do our job for us. Heck, it's why I'm not laughing these two clowns.  
JOELCOP: Anyone tell you two that you look like the Soda-King-Magnate of People Like Grapes Brand Soda, and that you look just El-Pizza-Bandido of Just-Blaze Pizza?  
VAV: No.  
X-RAY: Never once in my life.  
BURNIECOP: But I get the feeling that the Chief will just yell at us a bunch if we call him in for anything less than a level six.  
JOELCOP: Fine then. Guess we gotta earn our paycheck in some way.  
(knocks on the door)  
JOELCOP: This is the police open up! On the count of five, we will be forced to- No answer.  
BURNIECOP: Bust down the door!  
(busts down the door)  
(series of gunfire, lasers, and explosions)  
LILY: Mwahahahah! All shall bow down before my might! Never again shall we experience the tyranny of bed-times! Milk and cookies for all! Viva la revolution!  
NORA: Plan-I! Why have you failed me!?  
WEISS: The end is nigh! Woe is me! Woe is me!  
(awkward silence between Burniecop and Joelcop)  
BURNIECOP: So yeah, Imma gonna call this one into the Chief, you got a problem with that?  
JOELCOP: No, no, go ahead.

* * *

_I fought the law._

POLICECHIEF: Okay boys, what do we got here.  
JOELCOP: We have what we think you might call, a situation.  
POLICECHIEF: Cut the chatter, we're sitting pretty here on the doorstop of one of the most notorious crime family's in the city, and you tell me you have a situation wise guy, you better have something good enough so that we can finger somebody, or it's your badge!  
BURNIECOP: Let me handles this partner. We been tracking a case here see? And everything we got points through that door. There was an assault and robbery on an Ice-Cream Truck last year, we never found the body, but all of the Ice-Cream had been stolen. In addition there seems to have been a few skirmishes between the lowlifes and the Valkyries. Just today we even had a robbery on a grocery store by two diminutive and well-armed assailants. Then today, at twenty-hundred hours, world-renowned Crime-Fighters X-Ray and Vav-  
JOELCOP: I got their autographs!  
POLICECHIEF: Shut up son.  
BURNIECOP: Called in a situation beyond their ability to handle, from their reports, it seems like a turf-war within the Valkyrie Mansion has occurred between several heavily armed teenage girls. We proceeded to attempt to disarm the perps and book them, when we were unfortunately repelled.  
JOELCOP: There were like, guns and explosions and Lasers and stuff!  
BURNIECOP: Whereupon we gave out a call for the out a call for assistance from the Chief of Police, that being you Chief, who came onto the scene in a great bluster, and irritable state from being called from his home. He then questioned us on the nature of the call, berating my partner here, and we debriefed him on the situation.  
POLICECHIEF: I swear if I had any men to spare… Give my that megaphone. ATTENTION GIRLIES! IT IS PAST YOUR BED TIME. CEASE AND DESIST WITH YOU SHENANIGANS OR WE SHALL BE FORCED TO CALL YOUR PARENTS! Heh, works every time.  
(meanwhile)  
RUBY: Oh no, it's the fuzz!  
LILY: Worry not my minions, for I have prepared for this contingency! We must show the whole of the city our true strength! Come on minions! To battle!  
(meanwhile, meanwhile)  
JOELCOP: Think maybe we should go in and check on them?  
POLIECHIEF: When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.  
BURNIECOP: Perhaps we should investigate the situation inside sir?  
POLICECHIEF: I'll just use the Megaphone again. ATTENTION-  
LILY: We're coming out!  
POLICECHIEF: Every time. Come on out girlies, no need to worry, we're the police! Seems there's been a set of complaints running around that have my boys here worried. Do you think maybe it's best to end your little get-together, and go to bed.  
LILY: But officer. We still haven't finished our cookies.  
POLICECHIEF: That's a shame, but maybe you can save them for tomorrow?  
LILY: I said, we still haven't finished our cookies. Cookies. (nudges Penny.)  
PENNY: Oh right, that's my cue! (takes out her floating swords, and uses them to throw the police-car at them.)  
LILY: Mwahahah! Mine is an evil laugh!  
JOELCOP: You wanna call for backup sir?  
POLICECHIEF: Did I ask for your opinion?  
BURNIECOP: What should we do sir?  
(Series of gunfire, lasers, and explosions)  
POLICECHIEF: Uh... call for back up of course!

* * *

POLICE: THIS IS THE POLICE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND YOUR WEAPONS DOWN! IF NOT WE SHALL BE FORCED TO COME IN!  
VAV: (grabs megaphone) GET OUT HERE YOU DARN DIRTY LITTLE MINS!  
PAPAVALKYRIE: (looking up from playing soul-sucking app) Drats, it does appear that that dastardly Vav has somehow managed to find my evil lair. However could that have happened? Hmm… What should I do?  
LILY: Father!  
PV: Second-Born Daughter! Excuse my language dear, what are you doing up at this odd hour, isn't it past your bedtime?  
RUBY: Down with bedtimes!  
PENNY: What she said!  
LILY: I have come to claim my rightful place at last! Sister and her petty resistance will be flushed out soon enough!  
(meanwhile)  
NORA: Alright, I'm positive that Plan-J is going to work!  
BLAKE: That's what you said about Plan-I. That just ended making Ren sticky.  
REN: Seriously, what is this stuff?  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: But first I must take my rightful place at last in our Crime Family and all the wealth of resources we own!  
PV: Is that Paladin Mech I illegally obtained through various means?  
PENNY: Her name is Freckles!  
PV: Freckles?  
FRECKLES: **AFFIRMATIVE  
**PV: Second-Born child of mine, while I normally quite enjoy our little power-struggles, I'm afraid I don't really have the time, you see, it appears that that masked crusader of crime has decided to assault our home, and has even brought the entirety of the Police-Force with him. And I was just about to beat my high-score too. Once I have dealt with this nuisance, then I promise we can resume our power-struggle.  
LILY: You promise?  
PV: Cross my evil heart and hope to die. Tell you what, I'll even make pancakes tomorrow.  
LILY: ... Minions! Conference!  
(conference)  
RUBY: What do we do my queen?  
LILY: I don't know. On the one hand I stand at the precipice of everything we have worked to accomplish. On the other hand... pancakes.  
PENNY: That sounds tough. Freckles what do you think?  
FRECKLES: **INCONCLUSIVE INFORMATION.  
**RUBY: But power Lily!  
LILY: But pancakes Ruby! Oh, if only Fluffy was here to advise me!  
(meanwhile)  
P-MONEY: Fluffy, you're a really good listener. I appreciate that. I have decided, if I can't gather up the courage I'll do my best to confess my feelings at the upcoming dance.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
P-MONEY: You're right Fluffy. Jaune's probably going to ask me to the dance. I can't imagine why he wouldn't. He'd have to be the most bone-headed clueless idiot unworthy of my love not to. Thanks for reassuring me.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
(meanwhile)  
LILY: Father! I have come to an agreement with my minions! We shall wipe out the interlopers! With them dealt with, we shall come to blows, and I shall take  
my rightful place in this family! And then we shall have pancakes in the morning!  
PV: Well second-born child, if you want to take first crack. It will give me another chance to beat my highscore. Alright Lily, go ahead. Do your best!  
LILY: I will father! Onward minions! For conquest!  
(leaves)  
PV: Ah children. So easily manipulated. Ooh! Double-Score!

* * *

BURNIECOP: Sir! We have the place surrounded. SWAT teams are posted over every entrance, we got snipers on the rooftops, and we have the street cleared out.  
POLICECHIEF: Good work.  
JOELCOP: You want us to head in Boss?  
POLICECHEIF: Of course not you nincompoop! I need eyes and ears in their! Valkyrie must have known we were coming in their at sooner or later, and here he's forced our hand. He probably has books flowing out of every orifice, armed to the teeth! Traps laid out for our men, and plans for every style of attack we could use. And we have no idea what's in store there.  
(meanwhile in Lily's room)  
LILY: Alright my minions. What do we have?  
PENNY: I still have my floating swords that come out of my back. But my battery's running low. I mean! I'm starting to get tired.  
RUBY: I have the crescent Rose, but I ran out of ammo like, two or three plans ago.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: That's correct Fluffy! We do have the weapons we apprehended from our prisoners.  
JAUNE: Can I come out of the Closet-of-no-Return now?  
LILY: No Corporal Studmuffin!  
P-MONEY: Can I come out of the Shoe-Closet-of-no-Return now?  
LILY: No buxom she-beast! Now, what do we have for inventory.  
RUBY: A couple shields, P-Money has a combination Spear/Shortsword/Carbine, and Jaune has a sword.  
LILY: A gun-sword?  
RUBY: No.  
LILY: A sniper-sword?  
RUBY: No.  
PENNY: Shotgun-Sword?  
RUBY: No.  
LILY: A light-machinegun-Sword?  
RUBY: No.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
RUBY: No.  
PENNY: Is it some kind of Super-advanced-Laser-Sword?  
RUBY: No.  
LILY: Is it a sort of Dust-infused-magic-Sword?  
RUBY: Yea- no.  
LILY: Oh! I know! It's some kind of sword that transforms into a bigger sword that shoots fire at people!  
RUBY: No.  
LILY: Well then what kind of sword is it?  
RUBY: It's just a sword.  
LILY: Just a sword?  
RUBY: Just a regular old sword.  
LILY: It's not a a sword that shoots beams of energy when you swing it, right?  
RUBY: No.  
PENNY: And it's not some kind of floating sword he can telekinetically control with his mind, is it?  
RUBY: No.  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
RUBY: Still no.  
LILY: It's not a sword that splits into smaller swords that fly about acting as a shield, is it?  
RUBY: No.  
PENNY: So it's just an ordinary sword that doesn't do anything else at all?  
RUBY: No. Wait, I mean yes!  
LILY: Corporal Studmuffin, what are you doing with your life?  
JAUNE: I don't even know any more.  
RUBY: Well, on top of that, we still have our milk, and Freckles!  
FRECKLES: **ALL WHO STAND IN THE WAY OF JUSTICE SHALL BE FORCIBLY AND PAINFULLY TERMINATED.  
**RUBY: That's the spirit Freckles!  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
POLICE-CHIEF: Yup. Much better to just wait out here. Make him come to us.

* * *

JOELCOP: So how are them wife and kids?  
POLICECHIEF: Did I give you permission to speak son?  
JOELCOP: No sir.  
BURNIECOP: But how are they really?  
POLICECHIEF: Splendid, simply splendid.  
(Lily and team burst through the door)  
LILY: Lesser Beings! Prepare to feel our wrath!  
RUBY: Our milk-fueled wrath!  
POLICECHIEF: EVERYONE OPEN FIRE!  
(fighting ensues)  
(meanwhile)  
YANG: Sounds like they've gone outside.  
WEISS: Is that the police?  
NORA: Excellent! While Lily is engaged with the Popo we can enact Plan-J!  
(Plan-J)  
NORA: Jaune! P-Money! We've come to rescue your buts!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
NORA: Fluffy!  
WEISS: OMG that thing is so cute!  
YANG: I want to scratch it!  
BLAKE: Dog people...  
NORA: Stand aside Fluffy! Team NR doesn't sound as good as JNPR! We have come to fix that!  
FLUFFY: Arf! *boop*  
(trapdoor opens beneath Team WBY and NR)  
(falls into pit of despair)  
BLAKE: Curse you dog people!  
WEISS: Your sister has a trapdoor in her room!?  
NORA: Oh yeah... I forgot about that.  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: Mwahahaha! Mine is an evil laugh! All shall fall before our might!  
JOELCOP: The end is nigh! The end is nigh! Woe is me! Woe is me!  
POLICECHIEF: Keep a hold of yourself man!  
JEOLCOP: What should we do chief? What should we do? Should we call for backup? We should call for backup! Let's call for backup! We should call the military! Let's call for the military!  
POLICECHIEF: Shaddup will ya?  
(gunfire/lasers/explosions)  
BURNIECOP: Seriously what are supposed to do?  
POLICECHIEF: Call the military obviously!  
MILITARY: We've come to help! What's the situation?  
(gunfire/lasers/explosions)  
POLICECHIEF: That's the situation! We got a bunch of girlies armed to the teeth out there, and we're loosing ground!  
MILITARY: Well what do you want us to do about it?  
BURNIECOP: Help!  
JOELCOP: Helping would be nice!  
POLICECHIEF: Ah shaddup!  
MILITARY: Seriously though what do you want us to do.  
POLICECHIEF: What they said! Stop standing around like a gormless imbecile and get helping!


	9. Day of the Sleepover pt 6

**Time for another adventure of Lily Valkyrie: Remnants more adorable criminal mastermind!**

_And the law..._

MILITARY: We've come to help! What's the situation?  
(gunfire/lasers/explosions)  
POLICECHIEF: That's the situation! We got a bunch of girlies armed to the teeth out there, and we're loosing ground!  
MILITARY: Well what do you want us to do about it?  
BURNIECOP: Help!  
JOELCOP: Helping would be nice!  
POLICECHIEF: Ah shaddup!  
MILITARY: Seriously though what do you want us to do.  
POLICECHIEF: What they said! Stop standing around like a gormless imbecile and get helping!  
MILITARY: I don't know. I mean they are just a group of adorable girls. And a Giant Death Robot. We're a large organization filled to the brim with virile armed and armored men. Doesn't seem fair, yunno?  
(gunfire/lasers/explosions)  
LILY: Leave the fallen where they lay! These hapless fools shall all submit to be crushed by my heel of my boot!  
(more gunfire/lasers/explosions)  
MILITARY: On the other hand... Men! Charge!  
(meanwhile)  
NORA: Thankfully the Pit of Despair leads strait to the down stairs bathroom!  
YANG: Plan-J was a failure.  
NORA: Gotta stay positive! We cannot fail now after so many failures! We must go forward unto victory!  
BLAKE: You're just saying words at this point.  
NORA: Pancakes! I wonder what Lily's doing right now?  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: Hold the line my minions!  
RUBY: How is everyone doing?  
LILY: These fools know not who they face!  
PENNY: I'm Combat-Ready!  
FRECKLES: **BATTERIES ARE DANGEROUSLY LOW.  
**LILY: Excellent! Wait, what?  
FRECKLES: **POWER FAILING. COMMENCING EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN PROCEDURES NOW.  
**PENNY: Aw... Freckles is tired.  
RUBY: Freckles no! My Queen? What do we do now?  
LILY: ... (sees cavalcade of weapons aimed at them) Retreat!

* * *

LILY: Alright my minions! We should be safe for the moment. Those incompetent fools will never be able to surmise a way to surpass this fortresses unconquerable defenses!  
(meanwhile)  
BURNIECOP: She locked it.  
POLICECHIEF: How'd she do that?  
JOELCOP: She put the chainy-thing on the door.  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: We must now recommence our evil scheming! We must now away to my Evil Lair!  
PENNY: She has an Evil Lair?  
RUBY: She's talking about her bedroom.  
PENNY: Oh...  
NORA: Lily!  
LILY: Nora! Accursed damnation! In my plight with the law I had forgotten your meddlesome nature! Well, you shan't trouble me for longer. Every one of your plans has failed you, and you shall be swept aside by my might!  
NORA: Not every plan! Plan-K was a success!  
LILY: No! Not Plan-K!  
PENNY: What's Plan-K?  
LILY: I have no idea...  
NORA: Plan-K was to avoid the Pit of Despair, end Fluffy's reign of Terror, and rescue our team!  
LILY: Corporal Studmuffin, no!  
JAUNE: Hi Lily.  
P-Money: Hello again.  
LILY: Silence you she-beast!  
P-MONEY: Aw...  
JAUNE: We have returned from the Closet of No Return!  
LILY: Corporal Studmuffin no!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
LILY: Fluffy you have failed me! Again!  
FLUFFY: Arf!  
NORA: It's time for you to submit Lily! Your outnumbered! And you can't defend against all of Team JNPR and WBY! And it's way past your bedtime!  
LILY: Never! I still have my valued enforcers! Together with our might against your puny mettle, you can't possibly stand a chance of defeating us!  
JAUNE: My mettle's not puny.  
YANG: We know Jaune.  
(crash-boom!)  
POLICECHIEF: This is the Police!  
MILITARY: And the Military!  
POLICECHIEF: And we've come to arrest all of yer butts!  
LILY: Ack! No need to fear my minions. This may be our last stand. But we shall tooth and nail for this land, and all shall remember when we stood against the tyranny of bed-times! When we tried with all our might to attain my rightful place as queen! When we stood for milk! Sugar! And the destruction of all who dared oppose us! History shall remember this day, and we shall-  
MILITARY: Penny, is that you?  
PENNY: Oh hi Dave. Whatcha doing?  
LILY: Penny! That is the enemy! Don't fraternize with the enemy! Especially when I'm busy giving empowering speeches about our final stand! Not cool!  
PENNY: But Lily, that's not the enemy, that's Dave. Look. Hi Dave.  
MILITARY: Hi Penny.  
PENNY: See?  
MILITARY Penny, what are you doing here?  
PENNY: Oh! This is Friend-Ruby, and Archenemy-Lily! We're having a revolution!  
MILITARY: Penny, it's past way your bedtime.  
PENNY: I know, but I've been having so much fun. Can't I stay here a little longer?  
MILITARY: No Penny. Your father's been worried sick, come here.  
(walks over, grabs Penny, walks off.)  
PENNY: Bye guys! Sorry. I'll see you all later, okay?  
(awkward silence)  
RUBY: And so bedtimes claim another victim. My queen! What do we do?  
LILY: Well Lieutenant Ruby, considering one of our trifecta of evil has been summarily vanquished... and that we our now summarily outnumbered and outgunned... I suggest we... RUN AWAY!  
RUBY: Understood. RUNNING AWAY!  
NORA: Everyone! After them!

* * *

(Meanwhile at the Evil Lair)  
LILY: It's just you and me now Lieutenant Ruby. You and I to stand against the domineering authority that refuses to acknowledge my might. Corporal Studmuffin has been turned, allured by that shapely warrior under the sway of my sister. Minion Penny has been abducted by the military, who are likely performing all kinds of ungodly experiments on her exotic machinery.  
(meanwhile)  
PENNY: Hey Dave, are you going to watch that new Spruce Willis Movie? Can I come?  
MILITARY: Sure Penny.  
PENNY: Yay!  
(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
LILY: And General Fluffy has failed me. That irascible hound is more trouble than he's worth.  
RUBY: And we're out of milk too...  
LILY: But we shall not despair. We are safe here in my domain. Never shall our enemies penetrate this sacred threshold.  
POLICE: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!  
NORA: Screw the Police! (grabs megaphone) THIS IS NORA! LILY YOU ARE UP WAY TOO LATE! YOUR BUT IS GOING IN BED EVEN IF I NEED TO TIE YOU TO IT!  
RUBY: Oh no, it's the fuzz!  
LILY: Relax my dear minion, there's no way they could ever breach this threshold.  
POLICE: If you do not open the door by the count of five, we will be forced to burst down the door. 5.  
JOELCOP: She's not responding.  
YANG: Bust down the door!  
NORA: Guys, I have a key.  
LILY: Oh no! They have the means to enter my domicile! Ruby we can't let them in here! They'll learn too much! My super-secret diary is in here!  
RUBY: What do we do my Queen?  
POLICE: 4.  
LILY: Do you think we can take them? I ran out of ammo like 3 plans ago. You?  
RUBY: Four or five by this point.  
LILY: Of course this is something our enemies are completely unaware of.  
WEISS: They're totally out of ammo aren't they?  
BLAKE: Yup.  
POLICE: 3.  
LILY: Wait, I have an idea! Halt! You shall not enter! You are not in a position to bargain, nor to threaten! If you dare lay one foot inside my lair I shall have you all obliterated!  
WEISS: Yeah? And how are you going to do that?  
LILY: Plan-G!  
BLAKE: No! Not Plan-G!  
POLICE: What's Plan-G?  
NORA: I may, or may not have encased the bedrock of the mansion with TNT in an attempt to coerce my sister out of her room after one too many sugary treats.  
YANG: Boy did that plan not work out the way we hoped.  
JAUNE: How in the world did you think that would be a good idea?  
P-MONEY: I tried to talk them down and tell them that it was a bad idea, but they didn't listen to me Jaune.  
JAUNE: Of course you did P-Money. That's your thing.  
LILY: And I'll use Plan-G if any of you lesser beings dare enters my Bedroom. I mean Evil Lair! Except you Corporal Studmuffin, you can come in if you want.  
RUBY: You have Plan-G?  
LILY: (whispers) No! I'm lying my darn butt off here!  
(awkward silence)  
POLICE: We appear to be at an impasse here.  
LILY: You should surrender! All of you should bow before me!  
WEISS: I never bow!  
BLAKE: What she said!  
YANG: Yeah!  
POLICE: We have you surrounded and outgunned. How about you girlies go to bed and we call it a night?  
LILY: But we have Plan-G!  
RUBY: Yeah! How about you admit that you suck!  
(awkward silence)  
NORA: How about that we admit that one of us sucks?  
(later)  
REN: (sigh) I would just like to say... that I suck. And I'm a girl. And I put pretty ribbons in my hair. And that I want to kiss all the boys.  
POLICE: This may be the best surrender of all time.

* * *

_Epilogue._

PAPAVALKYRIE: Ah if it isn't the Police Force! You fine civic workers, doing your best to protect our fine city with your tireless efforts. May I inquire as to your presence here at my family home?  
POLICECHIEF: We received a distress call from masked crime fighters, X-Ray and Vav about a disturbance regarding several well armed teenagers, and illegally required military hardware.  
PAPAVALKYRIE: Oh I see! However it seems to me perhaps my second-born daughters sleepover may have perhaps become a little raucous, but all seems to be sorted out now.  
WEISS: Say goodbye to the peasants Ruby.  
RUBY: Bye Lily! Same time next week?  
YANG: Homework time Ruby.  
BLAKE: Remember that I'm your Queen.  
NORA: Buy guys! See you tomorrow! Try not to go on any undercover investigations while I'm not there!  
PAPAVALKYRIE: And I see no sign of my Paladin Mech, of which I obtained through completely legitimate and legal means.  
(meanwhile)  
MILITARY: This is the good bit!  
SPRUCEWILLIS: Yippee Kay Yay Rapscallion.  
PENNY: So cool! Don't you think Freckles?  
FRECKLES: **AFFIRMATIVE.  
**(meanwhile-meanwhile)  
PAPAVALKYRIE: However I am glad that such tireless workers of the people are here to ensure the safety of my home and children. After all, I am a tireless family man myself. Family means everything after all. Don't you agree Mr. Chief of Police? After all, I am given to the understanding that use the salary given to you by the city that is in part funded by massively legally obtained wealth. I find it so heartwarming to see you here working hard to provide for your family. I hope to see your continued presence in the Police Force. You know... for your family's sake.  
POLICECHIEF: I wonder if X-Ray and Vav have to deal with this stuff.  
PAPAVALKYRIE: And on that note, where are those irascible crusaders of crime? I have a few things that I've always wished to discuss with them.  
JOELCOP: I got their autographs!  
POLICECHIEF: Shut up son.  
BURNIECOP: Yeah, they left a while ago. Either of you two see them?  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: No, I have no clue. What about you?  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Don't look at me, you can't have my clue.  
PAPAVALKYRIE: Ah! The Soda-King-Magnate of People-Like-Grapes Brand Soda! What a pleasant surprise seeing you here! And if isn't your companion El-Pizza-Bandido of Just Blaze Pizza! What are the two of you doing here?  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh you know. Just popping for a, uh, a quick pop.  
POLICECHIEF: His words are so stupid, yet his accent makes it sound intelligent and interesting.  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Yeah. We were just going to go for something to eat. Hey you guys want to join us? Come on, it'll be great!  
PAPAVALKYRIE: Ooh! A new high-score, and a free meal from a compatriot of a valued friend! My day keeps getting better.  
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Great! I know a place nearby. I own it! My face is on the box! Come on, let's go.  
SODAKINGMAGNATE: That sounds top.  
BURNIECOP: You're right, the accent makes such a difference.  
JOELCOP: I love Pizza!  
POLICECHIEF: I need a raise.  
(meanwhile)  
NORA: Okay! Bye Jaune! Bye P-Money!  
JAUNE: Bye Nora. Bye Lily. Better luck next-time I guess.  
P-MONEY: Did you know Weiss has a sister?  
JAUNE: Really? Do you think she'd be interested.  
LILY: You will live on in the place that my blood is pumped forever Corporal Studmuffin.  
NORA: Bye Ren!  
REN: ... Do I want to know what this stuff is?  
LILY: Probably not.  
NORA: Now Lily! Time for bed!  
LILY: Never!  
NORA: Come on you!  
LILY: No!  
(gets dragged to bed)  
LILY: Sister, what are you doing? This is your bed.  
NORA: I know. I just didn't want you to be lonely.  
LILY: I'm not lonely.  
NORA: I think I can recognize a desperate bid for attention when I see one.  
LILY: Cunning sister.  
NORA: Come on, let's snuggle!  
(Nora Hug)  
(awkward silence)  
LILY: Sister, will you sing me a lullaby?  
NORA: Of course Lily.  
(sings Queen of the Castle)  
(nods off to dreamland)


End file.
